In A Field

Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these." Luke 12:27 Early last evening I had been letting go of some emotions that I was clinging pretty tightly to. It was freeing. I was eager to speak with Jesus before I went to sleep, so I went to the field again. I always begin by imagining what the field looks like, what houses surround it, what color the sky is, can I hear the neighbour's dog barking, what does the wind feel like on my face, where am I standing in the field, etc. This time when I turned to look around I saw a short, white stool sitting to the right of me, all by itself. I went to it and sat down. It became clear to me that I was preparing for a photo shoot, but I found it difficult to really see myself. While I was sitting on this stool trying to bring my present face into focus, I bent down and picked up a white daisy and a purple clover. I thought, they are so s...

Am I truly thankful for this one? I don't know. I want to be. I think I'll be working on this one for a very long time. Holding on to things that I should relax my grip on is hard for me, even those things that should be easy to release. Things like hurts, jealousy, anger, and pride. The only one I'm hurting by holding onto things like this is myself. There is a spiritual exercise where you pray with your palms facing down, releasing your hurt, jealousy, anger, and pride to Jesus. Then, when you are finished, you turn your palms up to receive from Him. It's a beautiful physical gesture to represent what happens when we let go of the "junk" and receive treasure. Sometimes I feel like a spoiled child, fists clenched tight, stomping my foot, determined that I am entitled to this. It's silly, really, but very true! I really do this, I'm sure I am not the only one. What a waste of my energy, but how truly wonderful the letting go is after holding on so tig...

Not too long ago, it seems, I didn't have a clue what this phrase meant. I'd hear people use it, but I was oblivious to its meaning. Well, of course, I get it now. Too well. I think it speaks to our nature as humans to be full of regret. We lament about opportunities we've missed, words we should have said, and time wasted. When we got married my sister in law gave us a framed picture. It is of Wayne and I, taken shortly after we started dating. In the picture we are outside, walking away from the camera but I am looking back over my shoulder. I am fairly young in the picture, probably just 19. I like to think now that I wasn't looking back with regret, it's more like I'm laughingly taking a glance back at what was and also walking towards what would be. Not to say life was all bad before I met Wayne, but meeting him was definitely a new beginning. A wonderful new chapter in my life. I know I won't look on everything like this, especially when I...

Elias just came out of the playroom to show Nason his nice glasses. I had to take a picture! Turns out you don't include Sundays in Lent as they represent a "mini-Easter". Phew. I thought I was dreadfully behind, but I figured it all out and I'm right on track. Today Wayne spoke on grace. I figured this was a good one to include in my Lent of Thankfulness. I believe we live in a culture that demands us to think in legal terms. In a quid pro quo society. I do this and in return I get something of exact value. Even my children live like this. "Abby unloaded the dishwasher yesterday, so today I get to fill it". However, life in the Kingdom should look radically different. We should look at others through the eyes of grace. Judgement says, "I know what's best, I'm the expert on everything. You are wrong and I am right". Grace says, "how can I serve and express Christ's love to you". I'm learning to live in the fullness of who...

I'm procrastinating. I'm 3 days behind. Want to know why? Well, in part because I've been tired in the evenings, which is when I tend to write, but mostly because of this topic. This is a HUGE one. I'm pretty sure if I even attempt to write I'll fall so flat and short that the endeavour will seem almost pointless. Not because I don't know what to write, but because I have so very many things I could write. The other day I received an email from my wonderful friend, Kelly, who just happens to be my sister-in-law. She had been reading the blog and exclaimed "keep feeling the LOVE!!". If this is the message she gets when reading my posts then I have succeeded already in writing about love, haven't I? That just occurred to me, right at this moment. I am learning what love is. I thought, at first, that I understood better what love was when I had my children. What I'm beginning to grasp is that understanding love comes better in having a...

The emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying ; keen pleasure; elation. About a month ago I was spending prayer time in my field. I felt compelled to pray for my girl friends. I imagined each one of them entering on the path that leads to the field. Jesus stood at the end of the path, waiting to welcome them one by one as they came. The girls all carried heavy back packs, some of the contents of the packs were spilling out over the top. Things like worries, regrets, loneliness, guilt; the stuff of day to day living. When they stopped in front of Jesus, He helped them remove these burdens, laid His hand on their heads and spoke words of love to each one. Immediately the countenance of their faces changed from anguish to pure joy. Now, I know this is imagination, but it's still true to the extent that Jesus actually does do this for them, for us. He does remove our burdens and replace our anxiety with keen pleasure and elation....

By now you understand that I'm writing these days as my observation of Lent. 40 days of thankfulness for things that I cannot touch with my hands. Sometimes I wish you could purchase patience. Maybe a store like Costco would sell it in bulk. Especially to mothers who find themselves at the end of a very short leash. When I felt I couldn't go on I could just go to the cupboard and grab a cup of it, like olive oil or flour. However, just like every other fruit of the Spirit we cannot exhibit these traits without Him. It would be vanity. I could wake in the morning and say, "today I will be patient" and it might last until I've put my feet to the floor, but that's it. True patience, love, joy, peace, they all come from the Spirit. Through the Spirit working in us. How then, does the Spirit work in us? Through our death. We must die daily, by the moment, by the second to ourselves, submitting ourselves to the Kingdom of God. We need to live in the rea...

Last summer I attended a Beth Moore simulcast. The teaching theme was on Proverbs 31:26 "When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness." From this session I also learned that kindness is not an action but a disposition. I sat there and thought about my own disposition, particularly toward my husband and children. Sometimes it's not pretty. It seems easier to "be kind" to others in the broader circles of our lives, but harder to do with the people who are constantly in our space. I do love kindness. I'm touched by it, especially when it's unexpected. Imagine what life would look like if when we opened our mouths every word was infused with kindness. I want to be aware of this but I know this kind of Life, again, comes only through the Spirit. Growing in faith is beautiful.

By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me- a prayer to the God of my life. Psalm 42:8 I've been trying to put words to how I have been feeling over the last number of months. Yesterday it finally dawned on me. It's as though there is always a song playing inside of me, just under the surface of my words and my thoughts. I don't think I could hum it, I can't tell you what it sounds like, but it's there. Maybe it's like a lullaby, comforting and now, even familiar to me. The Spirit of God speaking peace and love to me in words only my spirit can understand. Music in my soul. Perhaps this sounds a tad bizarre, but I can't think of another way to explain it. God is so beautiful. He is so good.

Check out the title of this post. One of the definitions I found for good was "the best part of anything". I love that! I looked for other uses of goodness in Scripture and found a very amazing and familiar one at the top of the list. Exodus 33:19 The Lord said, "I will make all of my goodness pass in front of you. And I will announce my name, The Lord, in front of you. I will have mercy on whom I have mercy. And I will show love to those I love." His goodness He imparts to us. We can live out this goodness, show it to others, have it pour from us to them. He is so good!!

I don't think it ever occurred to me before to look up the actual meanings of the fruit of the Spirit. Maybe I took them for granted. Gentle is defined as "amiable, kindly, not severe, rough or violent. Characteristic of good birth". Maybe even re-birth??

Sometimes I just want to write whatever I am thinking. Like stream of consciousness. That would be weird. Probably you'd stop reading at about this place, wondering why I'm writing about this when the post is clearly supposed to be about faithfulness. It occurs to me that I use the words "like", "its" and "things" too much and "I". These are things I've noticed because I read this a few too many times before posting. Or I begin to write on one topic and then completely delete what I've started and pick up somewhere new. Which is fine. It is my blog, right? I'm not being graded on this. But then again, I am, because people judge everything we do, even when we think they aren't. We don't live in a world free of judgement. I know mostly because I'm human and spend a great deal of time playing the judgement game in my own head. ...... I stopped to read what I wrote. I'm my own worse judge..... is tha...

I'm not sure how to write about being thankful for self control because I don't feel I've got much of a handle on it. Thankfully with the Spirit in me self-control can be a reality. When I first became aware that this was a fruit of the Spirit, I was very excited. My human way is pitiful and runs out of steam almost as soon as I begin.

Dad had a book of Herman cartoons when my brothers and I were younger. We'd look at it when his sister would visit. The cartoons made me laugh, but the most enjoyment came from watching Aunt Joan read them. I can clearly picture her, hand over her mouth, head back, tears streaming down her face. If she lived closer to me I'd hop in the car tonight and show her these just to enjoy her reaction!

One of the many things I love about running is how easily I enter into deep thought. Yesterday I was thinking about fulfillment. I only thought of that because I had listened to a sermon on the very thing earlier in the day. We are always trying to get life from things. I am always trying to get life from things. Always assessing; how will this affect me, is this good for me, does this person like me, and so on. I began thinking about this blog and how I have allowed this to bring me life. Life with a lower case "l". I started this blog with the intention of keeping it quiet and to myself, like an online journal. However, I think God's intentions were not the same as mine. Which is always fine, He does amazing work! So now the blog is something I feel free to share with anyone and I think it's great....except for the people pleaser in me. The people pleaser wants attention, affirmation, accolades, admiration. I want to shush this needy voice in me. I want to get Life...

You might think I'm thankful for this one because I'm mom to 5 children. Not so. I've always loved being alone. I just appreciate it even more now.

I celebrate this one! Being heard is validation, isn't it? As a child I often felt that I didn't have a voice. I suppose I didn't in some ways. I was always afraid to rock the boat so most of the time I kept my thoughts to myself. This is something I continue to struggle with. Perhaps it's a people pleasing thing as well. Regardless, discovering the joy of being heard is a wonderful thing!

I'm having a hard time doing this very thing -listening- just now. I've been trying to write this post for the past two days. Currently Elias is sitting here beside me and is watching In the Night Garden. Such a strange show, but oddly amusing to me. So I'm listenening to what's in my head while also having an ear to Makka Pakka.... I am really enjoying learning how to listen to God. Trying to hear His voice above the din in my mind. When I was a teenager I always assumed God's voice would be gruff or scolding. Not so! His tone is always loving. He's a perfect gentlement in dealing with me, gently rebuking, instructing, guiding. It leads me to love Him even more.

Strange, one, right? This is only day 3 and I'm already dumbfounded by this. Honest. Writing about possessions is so much easier!!!! Who knew? Allow me to explain why I'm thankful for this one. I love that I can feel impelled by the Spirit to do something. It's like having my own secrets with God. These make me feel as though I'm part of Something larger than myself and that I have a role to play. I wish I could say I always follow through with these inspirations, but I don't. Maybe it's because of a lack of confidence. Maybe I'm just lazy. Or maybe I'm not listening as closely to His voice as I should be. Perhaps I'm stubborn. He is so patient. I'm always thankful when I am obedient and follow through- on those occasions when I can get over myself. Learning to listen.....sounds like a good one for tomorrow.

This is a hard one to explain. Maybe described as the absence of the nattering, gnawing, condemning voice of worry, judgement, and striving in your head. Silence is golden. Silence is peace? How could I not be thankful for this?

This year I am going to observe Lent. I'm not going to give anything up though. Nope. I'm going to spend the next 40 days reflecting on being thankful. The only rule is it can't be something I can reach out and touch. No possessions that can be destroyed by rust and fire. Although, I do have much to be thankful for. I figured this would be harder to do. Maybe it won't be as obvious either.

Don't be afraid TO change, is more like it. I don't want to be complacent, mediocre, ho-hum, blah, gray, or boring in my life. I've spent too much time wishing things away. Of being discontent with how they are but then not doing anything about it. That was before. I am changing. My faith is changing. I am growing young. Going backwards, only to the extent that I'm rediscovering my childlike faith. My mind is being renewed, it's changing. The way I view God is different. I feel content. I still have times of fretting over weight, money, children, life, but never far from my grasp is this contentment. A peace.

I remember this moment like it just happened. Wayne captured this image the second after they laid Matthew on my chest. Hs is beautiful. A perfect, tiny form. So helpless. I love newborns. I like the way they smell, their hands, their little noises, the cute way they stretch and their tiny round backs. Amazing in so many little ways. My baby is growing up. He's 18 months and I'm not letting his father cut his hair. He won't be my baby anymore with a buzz cut! I want to keep him little for as long as I can. He's different than the others. He can't help it, he didn't ask to be born last. I don't want to be in a hurry when it comes to my children. I know I can't push pause or slow motion. When Abby was very little I was impatient for her to talk. To walk. To wean. To eat solids. To eat unassisted. To dress herself. On and on it went. It went fast. Not because I sped it up, but because I was in a hurry to get these things over with. I...

My SIL phoned me yesterday telling me that she was going to take a challenge for the month of March. Not to abstain from a certain food or television program, but to incorporate a spiritual practice into her daily life. In "The Furious Longing of God", Manning tells of a meeting with a 78 year old nun after a retreat where he spoke on experiencing God as Father. The nun shared how she suffered sexual abuse by her father as a child and now lived with self-hatred and struggled to experience God's love and to see Him as Father. Manning instructed her to pray every morning for 30 days this phrase "Abba, I belong to You". Each day she was to say the phrase, repeating it slowly, inhaling "Abba", exhaling "I" and so on with each word. After 30 days of praying this phrase daily she returned to Manning a changed woman. She expressed how for the first time in her life she knew the love of the Father and now understood the peace He alone can bring...