Embracing My Grief

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Today Abby is home from school with a rotten cold. She and I were sitting on the bed learning how to play a Johnny Cash song (I'm determined to learn to play!!), I got thinking about how much music has been a part of my life. I began to look up songs on Youtube that my Mom would sing with my Dad accompanying her. Anne Murray's "You Needed Me" was one I remembered fondly. I cried like a baby while I listened, I'm sure Abby thought her Mom was losing her mind. Going back into my memory with a song makes it feel like she hasn't really been gone all that long.

"Time After Time" is another song that causes me to stop and remember. I used to listen to Cyndi Lauper sing it, but I prefer Eva Cassidy's incredible voice. It has a haunting melody, a good one to listen to on days when a good cry is in order. What I liked about it were the lyrics. I always thought of this as a song between Mom and I. That it was for us. She would sing some of the lines and some were for me. I don't know if this is true for every child that's lost a parent, but I always imagined, somehow, that she would come back for me.

Grief is an odd friend to me. It seems to come and go, I always welcome it because I never know when it will appear. I started to lovingly embrace it after Abby was born. I wanted desperately to share this miracle with her. I imagine how much she would love my children and Wayne. How much he would make her laugh. What joy all 10 of her grandchildren would bring her. This year I turned 38. I am now the age she was when she passed away. Even trying to think of what she went through as a wife and mom makes my heart ache.

She left a beautiful legacy. I am who I am because of her absence. God has woven quite a story through this. Who else but God could bring Life from death?

Comments

  1. AnonymousFebruary 21, 2011 at 1:06 PM

    Reading that made me cry. And yes mom, I did think you were losing it!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. ADMFebruary 21, 2011 at 1:19 PM

    Abby, you are a beautiful girl, from the inside out!

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownFebruary 25, 2011 at 1:44 PM

    I grieve with you, Angie.

    BTW, I sang harmony on "Time After Time" at our Christmas party in December.

    ReplyDelete
  4. WendyMarch 15, 2011 at 3:48 PM

    I can't imagine this on one hand - she was young to die at 38...I'm sorry for all the things you've lost because she isn't around. I'm glad for all that she imbued in your life that makes you the woman you are. Grief as a believer, is this tension I think, between this world and the next...this paradox. Thanks Angie

    ReplyDelete

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