The trouble with love

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I had a few conversations over the last little while about grace. Well, mostly that some struggle with the idea of it, accepting it and staying in it. Grace has never been something I've really had a hard time understanding. My trouble was always with love.

Perhaps my view of love was tainted at an early age. Confused with performance and ability, I assumed I mattered because I could clean the house, make supper or get groceries. As long as I was keeping all the balls in the air I was lovable. If I could just be perfect, then I would remain loved.

So, my struggle has been with "getting" the idea of love. If I'm being honest, I'll tell you how I have found it difficult to understand love in the context of marriage too. I have lived in the fear of discovering what Wayne really thinks of me. Isn't that weird? We were at a day long marriage seminar and I shared this with him. He laughed. Not hard, and I wasn't offended. He was just in disbelief. He laughed too because what I figured he thought of me was no where close to the truth. Thankfully. But, this is the problem I have with love, surely it must be based on performance. If so, when I am not doing what I should be, the love should fade.

We always look at God with the same skewed eyes we see everyone else with. It's not surprising that I viewed God's love for me as performance based. Which, now that I think of it, sounds like I didn't quite have grace sorted out either. Right? At any rate, the trouble with love is becoming less of an issue for me. I'm starting to understand how much God loves me. No...wait....what I am starting to understand is that I can't really know how much He loves me. I just don't have the capacity to truly grasp that. But in admitting that fact, I think I'm starting to "get it".

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