In A Field

I had a few conversations over the last little while about grace. Well, mostly that some struggle with the idea of it, accepting it and staying in it. Grace has never been something I've really had a hard time understanding. My trouble was always with love. Perhaps my view of love was tainted at an early age. Confused with performance and ability, I assumed I mattered because I could clean the house, make supper or get groceries. As long as I was keeping all the balls in the air I was lovable. If I could just be perfect, then I would remain loved. So, my struggle has been with "getting" the idea of love. If I'm being honest, I'll tell you how I have found it difficult to understand love in the context of marriage too. I have lived in the fear of discovering what Wayne really thinks of me. Isn't that weird? We were at a day long marriage seminar and I shared this with him. He laughed. Not hard, and I wasn't offended. He was just in disbelief. He laughed too...

'For in him we live and move and have our being.’ Acts 17:28a I have always loved the nights sky. As a child I would lay on my back in our yard and gaze deep into the night. If you stare long enough it begins to feel as though you are floating up there. Peacefully surrounded by the tiny pinpoints of light and the inky black. You also begin to feel very tiny in comparison to the vastness of the heavens. Last summer Abby and I watched the Perseids meteor shower. A beautiful display of shooting stars streaking across the dark sky and burning out as they enter the earth's atmosphere. We found a dark road, away from as much light as we could, and laid on the hood of the van. The late summer night was chilly, but the sky was clear and it wasn't long before we witnessed many meteors. It was breathtaking. I feel close to God the Father when I am observing His creation. When I lay under the stars or stand on the shore when the wind is strong and the waves loud. I am humbled by His g...

Our Christmas card photo shoot 5 personalities. 5 wonders. 5 people my husband and I get to do life with. I remember being pregnant with Aidan, I wrestled with how I would love another child as much as I loved Abby. I was so silly. Of course, it was love at first sight with Aidan. And so on with the rest. With each pregnancy I would anticipate what they would look like, what would they be like, who would they become. They are so precious to me. Sometimes I have been overwhelmed with the responsibility of raising them. I've cried many tears, fearing failure, that I would somehow "mess" them up. This parenting gig is a hard road. The only manual I have was passed onto me by parents who found themselves in the same place I am now. It's a vicious cycle, for sure. I don't have a clue what I'm doing most of the time and I make many mistakes. I always say there is either yelling or laughing in our house, but I suppose that's normal? However, I am thankful to be ...

Yesterday I learned something I hadn't pieced together before about how God works. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I was alone with the children and had to figure out how to get Elias to outpatients. He had a seizure. I called Kelly for clarity, to calm me down and talk to me. Once I had figured out how I was going to go with all of the kids, I headed for the hospital. I was afraid, tired, sick, and alone. I sat closer to the driver's side window so Abby couldn't see me crying in the rear view mirror. I called out to Jesus, asking Him for peace and assurance. A song* I particularly love came on just then and I immediately was filled with calm. Be assured, I still was uncertain, a little afraid, and I was still crying, but I also had this profound sense of peace in the midst of it. Such a strange mix of emotions. It occurred to me then this is what it means to be held. God was holding me, so even though I was still feeling those other emotions, I could sen...

My first birthday Normally I see this day coming and anticipate it. Today it caught me by surprise. I love this picture of her, although I can't remember her this way. When I remember her last she looked so very different. I have a picture that was taken a few months before she passed away, but I like this one better. Funny, this picture was taken roughly 10 years before she died. I think I need to come back and post this later, it's still early in the day and I need to make it through before I land in a heap thinking about her..... I'm so thankful for my Mom. For the memories I have of her. I think my favourite memory is from when I was 7, 8 or 9, I'm not really sure. Jamie and I had returned to New Glasgow for a weekend to visit friends we had left behind when we moved. I don't know that I was ever away from her. I do remember vividly Saturday night, I was so lonesome for her. There was a snow storm raging outside and I was sure I would never get back home. Thing...

Memory is a child walking along a seashore. You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things. ~Pierce Harris, Atlanta Journal Memories are so amazing. I love how I can be transported back to being a little girl playing with the creams and perfumes on my mother's dresser whenever I smell Jergens hand lotion. Or how the smell of burning grass in the spring reminds me of the evenings we played outside with our thin windbreakers on, watching our neighbour's Dad burn away the old brown grass. Or how I can catch a glimpse of my mother's face when I see myself in the mirror. What are your favourite memories?

I should have Abby write this post. She is always writing about her family in school. She talks about how close we are, that we love to laugh together and that we have a common bond in Christ. How amazing is it that my 10 year old already sees this? My family is pretty amazing. I love spending time with them. It's wonderful that I have such amazing people to grow old with. I cherish them.

I'm feeling encouraged today. I love it when someone goes out of their way to tell me they appreciate me. That I matter to them. You know who you are! God, in His infinite wisdom, created us to thrive in community. We can't function properly when we are cut off...we need one another to get through. Life is hard. Arbitrary. Annoying. Reaching out to friends is crucial to "making it". I think we live in a society that shuns community in some regard. We're told what we need is privacy, unaccountability and we must be individuals. That flies in the face of God's plan for us....sure, He DOES want us to be individuals, but individuals who stand together, unified, bearing with one another, loving one another, doing life together. We're made for community. Embrace community. Encourage one another. Chose to extend yourself by serving someone else.

Typing "contentment" into google images yielded this picture. It doesn't get any better than this! I'm content when I'm living in the Truth of who I am.

Living under the reign of Jesus. Under the King-dome of God. In His infinite wisdom God comes to us, rescues us....but that's not the end of the story. He restores us too. We live out life for those around us who have not heard the good news. Is the good news merely that you can have freedom from hell? No! The good news is that Jesus offers us new life here and now. We don't have to wait - we can live in that Kingdom now.

I disliked this song the first few times I listened to it. This seems to be the case with many of Brian Doerksen's songs for me, upon first hearing I don't fall in love, but becoming familiar with it I grow to love it. I've put the lyrics here too, so you can read them while this plays. This is a good "soaking" song. I don't want to think this is a passing fancy. That someday I'll wake up and realize this was all just a phase. I was sharing all that's been happening to me with someone and they basically said, "it won't last". Sad. This is so much more than feelings and it must be, feelings are so fleeting and fickle. For the first time in my life, I truly am falling in love with my Saviour, I'm submitting to Him, learning Who He is and finally seeing who I am. It's a wonderful marriage relationship. Something I've only dreamed of but never thought possible. Enjoy this song, think about Him, how wonderful He is, how life is mor...

Being known. Being found. Pursued. Loved. This is what I find in Christ. He knows me inside and out. He see who I truly am. He loved me while I was still His enemy. I am the apple of His eye. I ravish His heart. I have unsurpassable worth. I find myself in Him. He makes me whole. This is intimate belonging.

Currently I'm reading a book on spiritual disciplines. This is my second pass at this one. Since I've become more "awake", I'm enjoying re-reading books. It's amazing how differently you read when you see with different eyes. Thoroughly enjoyable. So, tonight I read this quote from C.S. Lewis regarding prayer. In prayer we must "lay before Him what is in us, not what ought to be in us." Isn't that wonderful and so very true? We don't need to pretend we are someone else for God, He sees it all anyway. It's very freeing to just fall into a heap before God and lay it all out there for Him to see. My friend Deb would probably call this "soaking" in the Lord's presence. Tomorrow's post will be a continuation of this one....

Of course that's not true. If it was I wouldn't tell you. I struggle greatly with pride. I wear it like a fetter. Humility is beautiful, don't you think? When you see someone living this out it's moving, makes you want to know how to get there too.

Okay, so I don't totally agree with everything this picture is saying - for one, I'm not a man; and two, I'm not this fit, or large. However, I thought this image fit well with how I've been feeling as a Christ-follower these days. This is a metaphor for our battle against the flesh. Who we truly are, our identity in Christ, trying to emerge. With that in mind, most of my life I have lived in defeat. I've spent much time thinking on things but not doing them. I'd fanatasize about really living my life and wondered what that might look like, but I never got up enough courage or passion to actually do anything about it. NOT ANYMORE. About 2 years ago I really felt called to run. Seriously, I felt compelled to do it. And, as things have gone, I'd actually thought about running and what that might be like. I never got curious enough to do it though, nobody needs to see an unfit thirty-something woman running through the neighbourhood. Then this little...

Finally, after twenty-eight years, I'm learning to trust God. Well, that's not entirely true. When I was 10 trusting God seemed easy. I think I've said it before, I'm growing young. In fact, in one of my times of prayer I envisioned myself running to Jesus, as I got closer to Him I grew younger and younger. When I finally reached Him I was probably 5, He knelt down to catch me and then tossed me into the air! I suppose this post goes along nicely with my previous one. Trust goes hand in hand with knowing someone, I think so anyway. As I grow closer to Jesus I feel that my trust in Him is improving. I feel like I'm beginning to rest in Him with the full weight of myself. Before all of this "new" stuff was happening to me I would pray, "Lord, I love you and I trust you, BUT don't you dare lay a hand on my kids!!". I'm being completely honest with you. I thought for sure if I said, okay, Lord, here you go, He would allow something horrible t...

"Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, "Do it again"; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, "Do it again" to the sun; and every evening, "Do it again", to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we." Orthodoxy GK Chesterton I think I should play more. During one of the first snow storms of the season I got dressed in my outer wear and took the three oldest children outside for a walk. It was dark, sno...