to younger me

There will come a time when you won't care so much what your hair looks like when you leave for a few minutes of alone time to get a prescription filled.  You won't even care that you'll wear clothes that you've slept in.  You'll find days when you won't want to do much, when just being upright in a chair will be enough.  You'll have long stretches of time when you will bask in the thankfulness of a full night's sleep only to find it will be taken from you again the following night.  You'll love to stand and watch your children sleep.  Your heart will well up with incredible love and fear all at once for who they are and what they will endure.  You'll hurt for them.  You'll cry for them.  You'll stay up at night praying for them.  It will be hard for you to wrap your head around the love you'll feel for your children and also for the increasing love you have for your husband.

There will be battles that you will want to win because of being right.  Those are the times when you need to back down and let Love lead.  Your husband will be your biggest cheerleader, your closest confidante, your largest source of frustration AND laughter.  He will love you greatly.  He will choose you, to be with you, to stand with you.  He will surprise you with his patience and you will fall in love with him all over again as you watch him be a father to your children.  You will cry with frustration and will laugh at the foolishness of life lived with a full- house. 

You will get caught up in comparing yourself to others.  Other mothers in particular.  Even your own.  You'll waste countless minutes pondering what you could have done better or not done at all.  There will be days when you want to be selfish and live for yourself.  There will be moments (hours, days) when you actually will.  You will discover that you cannot embody everything that your husband, children, family, and friends want from you.  You will have difficulty learning that you can't be everything to yourself either.  You'll struggle with discipline and consistency.  There will many times when you'll wish there were two of you.  That you had more than just two hands, one mouth and two ears.  There will be days when you wish you had no mouth and no ears at all.  Life will be up and down.  There is no "normal", at least not what you expected normal to be.  You're going to have to throw that notion away or be shocked to have it ripped from you anyway.

You will also find joy unspeakable in your Creator.  You will learn to love Him beyond what you thought was possible.  He will become grander, larger, more amazing and unbelievable as you mature and give your days to His love and His leading.  You will discover how He can hold you when chaos is churning, when circumstances go way beyond how you thought they would.  Through death.  Through life.  Through disappointments.  You will be wowed by Him.  He will give you a heart of flesh that will allow you to discover loving others is a completely wonderful way to love yourself.  You will finally find a passion for Him that will not end.  You will weep when you realize what a good news story your life is becoming.  That He is restoring all that is broken and in ways that you could never have imagined.

You will be content.  Maturing.  Greying.  Loving.  Discovering.  Changing.  Happy.

I’m thanking you, God, from a full heart,
    I’m writing the book on your wonders.
I’m whistling, laughing, and jumping for joy;
    I’m singing your song, High God.

Psalm 9:1-2