the unexpected God

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I've learned a few things over the course of the last number of months.  Things you shouldn't do in the midst of uncertainty. 

I made a list.

  • withdraw
  • eat for comfort- when you are alone, tired, happy, bored or awake
  • hold onto expectation
  • whine about how things used to be
  • be thankless
  • look on the dark side
  • don't ask for help
  • blame God and pout

I dwelt in the hopeless land of this list.  Blinded by my own self pity and the unwillingness to open my eyes.  Fear was the fuel. 

But a shift occurred late one night while I sat on Abby's bed and listened as she poured out the heartache that we both shared.  Two girls, separated by almost 30 years, yet so similar in feeling.  It was at that point that I realized I had been choosing fear over faith.

Over my life I've mistaken fear for self-reliance.  Holding out hope that just getting through would be enough even though my "faith" claimed far more to life than this.  When the going got tough, I'd turn to familiar escapes and coping strategies.  The list.  I allowed myself to believe that my fear was larger than anything.  That it was insurmountable.  Fear tied me down, pulled me back, and held me in place.  Stuck. 

Then the unexpected God showed up.  His ways so much wiser than my wisdom.  Something finally made the leap from my head to my heart.  Like lights turning on in a darkened room, I was suddenly able to see what was always right in front of me.  His perfect Love casts out fear.  Driving out the silly notion that anything is too great for Him. 

I cannot understand how things will end, what it will all look like in a few years or even tomorrow, but I find such wild assurance in the persistent, strong, and able Love of the God who calls me daughter, child, friend. 


 
There is no room in love for fear. 
Well-formed love banishes fear.
Since fear is crippling, a fearful life-
fear of death, fear of judgement-
is one not yet fully formed in love.
1 John 4:18 
 
 
for Julie R



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