What we wanted

Monday. It was happening so fast, arriving too soon. We woke up hearing Wayne's Dad coughing. We found them both in the living room, Joanne already with her knitting out. Here before we're out of bed, ready to grandparent. Wayne and I loaded their vehicle, put Elias' car seat in, secured him and hit the road. I wasn't nervous. I had even slept well the night before. I drifted off to sleep imagining Jesus' arm wrapped tightly around my shoulders.

We arrived early. Found a parking place and went in. The dr's office at the top floor. I was getting nervous now, just from sheer anticipation of what we'd discover. Dr Dooley came to get us at precisely 3 pm.

Laptop at the ready we showed him our videos, compiled over the last year or so, displaying this behaviour we've had such a hard time explaining. He watched and asked questions. He watched again. He asked for our concerns, Elias' history from pregnancy to present. I tried to remember his birth weight, was it 6 lbs 8 oz or was that Matthew? Does Elias do this behaviour when he is eating? If he is tired? Are you and Wayne related?

"Elias, will you come out into the hall and play soccer with me?" asked Dr Dooley in his Irish accent. We all moved out of the office, waiting to see if our reluctant boy would comply. Nope. Dr Dooley looks at us and says, "the more you ask them to cooperate the less likely they will. We'll come back to this."

Back into his office. He wants Elias to sit on my knee in a chair opposite him. No trouble. He begins to take items from a black bag; tuning fork, reflex hammer, tape measure, a toy, and a strange implement that looks like a sewing tool. He is handing all of these things to Elias, who is running out of hands. The sewing tool frightens Elias and he begins to whimper that he doesn't like it. Dr Dooley says, stop being such a wuss, be a big boy. I try hard to stifle a laugh behind Elias. It's hard to keep it together, this dr is hilarious and not thrown at all by Elias' lack of cooperation. I love it.

The examination goes very well, Elias is warming to this doctor who isn't bothered with his silly notions that HE is in charge. We head out of the office to play in the hallway. Dr. Dooley tells Elias he is going to chase him and when he catches him he'll pinch his bum. Elias squeals and runs off. Dr Dooley is great at making this a game. He chases after Elias, picks him up and carries him upside down, back up the hallway. Dr. Dooley calls to a colleague of his who has emerged from an office down the hall. He tells Wayne to get the laptop to show this new dr the videos. Then another doctor appears and he calls him over too. The 3 doctors talk in the hallway about my son, while he plays happily in the hallway with a tiny white and green soccer ball. Wayne and I listen to them exchange ideas and large words like dyskinesia and stereotypies. We are puzzled. Dr. Dooley motions for us to go back into his office. He tells us he'll put the "doctor talk" into language we'll understand.

I've been waiting for this moment for two years, give or take. I've wanted someone to say, "your son has heebie-jeebie disease and this is how we're going to treat it" (this is the fake name dr dooley thought of). I honestly hoped that we'd walk into Dr Dooley's office and he'd say, well, I've seen this scenario many times throughout my practice.

But. This. Is. Not. What. Happened.

Dr Dooley says he doesn't know what's wrong with Elias.

He has no title to give it.

(I'm starting to feel annoyed, questioning why he isn't able to tell us the answer we want. Why have we bothered to come here. My head is aching. I feel tears starting to build. I feel like standing up and yelling at him...).

He says our pediatric neurologist has done all the tests that would reveal something "nasty". All of the t's have been crossed.

He says, intellectually you want me to give you a name for this, but what you really want me to tell you is that Elias will get better, that this won't progress, and that he will be normal.

(Something about what he has just said registers with me. It's like this doctor can read my thoughts)

Dr. Dooley tells us he has been doing this a long time. So much of what he does is intellectual, but he goes with his gut too. He feels Elias is going to grow out of this.

(The tears leave. I feel a weight lift.)

It's at this point that I come to understand, a little, that I have been wanting to know that very thing.

Oh, this doctor is very good.

Dr. Dooley then says if Elias was his son or grandchild he would stop the tests. Stop them and wait. Watch. See if this progresses. Watch as it dissipates. His advice as a father and grandfather. Elias has been through enough. He encourages Wayne and I as Elias' parents, that we need to keep up the good work with him. He tells us to call back if we have any concerns. He leaves us with final instructions to send him one final video of Elias' walking in the morning- when he is at his worst. That he and 5 other doctors would watch it, give input and call us if they felt they needed to.

We left feeling good about it. Encouraged by Dr Dooley. Thankful for Elias. Thankful that he is a good boy, sweet, funny, strong-willed, unique. Thankful that we can walk out of the IWK, chasing him out of the gift-shop, watching him stumble a bit as he goes. Seeing his little face, with the crooked smile. God is so good.

So, perhaps, this wasn't at all what we wanted, but maybe it's what we needed.